Summer seems....

.... to be back!

Maybe just for a few hours though. So! We're of to a the countryside this weekend. Trying to suck the last little bit of life out of the summer.
Oh, I really think I would love living someplace else for at least six months a year.

I wanna learn that too...

For my Swedish friends...

I've been reading through all the media from Frizon and I'm stuck with this guys blog. He's got the concept! This is what blogging is about, more than that narcissistic yada yada so many of us, myself included, tends to get lost in.

Way to go:

Emanuels Karlstens blogg på Dagen.se

Ready? My theory by Anne Elk (miss). This theory goes as follows and begins now

I've spent a lot of time with Monty Pythons flying circus this summer. In airports, at nice summer evenings in Spain and in trying to recover from the festival fatigue. I believe I have decided that this is my all time favorite. John Cleese... what a man.

We've played all our cards...

A thousand things to write, yet, I haven't told anyone about this address yet so... it doesn't really matter. It's all for me so far.

Anyways, went to se the movie Mamma Mia last night. Was expecting some lame light entertainment with some classic hits in it. Was actually surprised. Of course it is really quite silly and unrealistic, but, hey what romantic comedy isn't? But I enjoyed it way more than I thought, quite a little happy pill.

I've always, for some reason, summed up my relationships in songs. Until recently at least, there's some changes in that department as well... A whole other story. Back to the subject. Watching that movie last night brought me back to one of the songs that accompanied the end of one of the greatest friendships stories in my life. You know, that one, that you know has to end, cause... there's just nothing left but emptiness and tears. Well, maybe you don't know, maybe that has only happened to me, nothing I wish for anyone else. But I have one of those. There's no agony, no anger, no feelings of affection left. There is peace. And there is rarely any trips down memory lane nowadays (but when i t does happen, I do seem to write about it, so the blog might think I'm lying...). But there will always be a sad smile on my face when I do think back. There will always be a small hole in my heart that no happiness can fill. It's controllable, sane and quite healthy even, but it's there. And I remember playing that song on repeat when I realized it was over. Yesterday it came back vividly again. There are no regrets. Life proceeded according to plan and I'm better off. Not in a "ha, look at me now"-way but in a "Yeah... I see it now, this is how it was supposed to be"-way.

But... I realized again... that in some stories there is no turning back. There is no ten years later down the road we'll meet again and talk old memories. It just changed you too much, robbed you of too much. It would just remind you of the hurt and who it turned you in to. It would remind you of the years you spent trying to get your head back above water. And it will just never ever be worth it. You wish the best in the universe for that person but no... no shake of hands. It's just asking too much.

Anyways... That shallow happy Abba movie just made me think of that...

I don't wanna talk
About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me, now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say, no more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser's standing small
Beside the victory, that's her destiny

I don't wanna talk if it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize if it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense, no self-confidence
But you see

The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all

That festival is trouble...

So...

It ended again. That Frizon festival thing. And it is dangerous. It means trouble. It messes with me. Just... just check my blog from a year back on the same subject. It's the same darn thing.

How do I earn my money today?
What do I make of that money?
Is either of it for the benefit of God's kingdom on earth?
If the answer is no... then what the heck do I do about it?

Im not saying the answer is no... I think I... I hope... I do some good where I'm at right now. But meeting all these beautiful people. Meeting these girls on their way through life asking directions from silly old me... Standing in front of stage when my friends delivers the toughest challenge ever... This is our time. This is the time to do this.

And what am I doing? What should I be doing? Gah... Hate that place.

(The pic is from last year. The brilliant painter Tomas Munkas Larsson did this painting on stage during one of the services, the world "Igen" means "again". Broke something in me. )

Splendid...

This summer has been splendid in so many ways. Just so peaceful and ... safe. My last summer was kind of the opposite. It felt kind of chaotic, with myself and a lot of people around me suddenly trying to figure huge stuff out all at once. This year... none of that. Just a longed for rest. Yet again I realize that time off usually takes more from me than actually being at the office. I know the office, I know my work self and I know my pros and cons. The private hanging-out-with-people version of me scares me way more. But I'm learning. And it's been a great summer to do that. Our last night in Spain was amazing. My weekend at M&Ms place like being home. Revealing things to Martin I didn't even know myself during a car ride like the most natural thing ever. It's like I'm starting to believe stuff people have told me for a long time but that I've been too stupid or scared to get.

So, in all this peacefulness I've started to ask myself some new "what ifs...". I'm realizing that blogging is the most dramatic I get nowadays really. Life i so much calmer and cooler and... that should tell me stuff. Stuff about where I'm the most me. Where I am at my best. What's left when the big words and emotions, my need to analyze it all, are gone. Where safety is. There's just a lot to figure out. And I so enjoy the ride. There's no rush, no big questions that need quick answers. There's a flow. And life is... splendid.

I've got the coolest friends. And even if there's still a trip to Stockholm I long to do, and friends in the States I haven't seen in ages and even some people I'll miss, unable to figure out how not to, there's been time to be around my best this summer. To realize there is actually family outside my flesh and blood. What a God given thing.

We had plans...

... to send this postcard to our friends from Spain but we never got to it. Were busy doing nothing. Great time though. A long week spent in Southern Spain kicked of my vacation. Best summer in a long time. Peter was the splendid host, I had the perfect company, I asked myself a thousand questions and think I managed to get more on my own nerves than others...

If you are friends with a guy called Arvid, you can check out the Facebook pics. Like that would be intriguing. Three people doing nothing for eight days.