Leave the winter on the ground

Om jag kommer bli sårad
Om jag kommer bli ditt sår
Om vi kommer att förblöda
Av alla sår vi får

I have a weary day. Can't really figure out why. Me and H went to see our brilliant friend Jenny star in the musical Spring Awakening yesterday. It was really cool. Every teenage related subject played out in two and a half hours with great music and very good acting. Realized again that I need to start seeing more plays again, I miss that. And I was extremely proud to see a new friend I really care about in the starring role.

Yet again, as always, the best part of any day is usually spending time in a car with a very close friend. There is something about that, you just have better conversations while driving. Yesterday being no exception.

And it just got me thinking. The musical, the car drive, the hours in the car outside my house trying to figure life out. I'm tired. Weary of the game. Done. Miss being twenty when I knew it all. I had it all figured out. I really did. I knew how the story would end and I was so sure about it.
Had a great lunch with my mentor the other day and she told me that she knew instantly the first time she met her husband at a very young age that she was done looking. And that's the way her life did turn out. I meet people every once in a while who talk about work that same way. They knew when they were twelve what they wanted and they've never backed down from that. I still have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

Hey, nine days out of ten I enjoy the ride. I like not knowing, I like being where I am. I enjoy thinking about whatever lies ahead.

But today. Thinking back. Just weeks or eleven whole years. Remembering what it was like knowing. Missing the object of all my certainty. Wondering about what's special and magical and what's just practical. Wondering where the mystery went.
It just... wore me out a bit. Will be back on track soon.

Ha ha...

Once again...

My heart and my head took another battle. And once again my heart won. Which is really a happy thing. I wanna be controlled by my heart rather than by my ever so scheming brain. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if always looking for what I want rather than what I need is so smart? But, hey, yeah, I know... It's not really like that. It's more to it. And in the end it all make sense.
It just seems sometimes that this is gonna be an everlasting battle. Refusing to see the cool in the coolness. Always looking for the mystery to keep my heart weary.

Bye bye Cuba....

Some days I can't help but still believe, no matter how high the expectations are, that the Obama guy is actually gonna be one of the best things that has happened to world politics in a long time.

His decision to close down Guantanamo is, in my opinion, a very wise one. And if you don't wanna see the human rights parts of it (no one, no matter what, should be locked in without a trial), see it as the best marketing action for the US in a long time. I do understand that there are a lot of complicated things going on here but to close the base sends out a tremendous message to the world. You have no idea what a mess that place has put US reputation in if you haven't read international press the past couple of years.

And it seems like Obama also realizes that there is more than meets the eye to this. A canadian reporter quotes him saying; "We are not going to continue with a false choice between our safety and our ideals."

Simply splendid.

Some days it's so easy to relate...

Had a great talk with a good friend last night. About church, leadership, family... About relating, being a part of... About being transparent enough to stand in front of others. About honesty, taking nothing for granted...
Some days those conversations kind of just wears me down. I want so much more than I actually succeed with. I love so much more than I am able to show.

Got back to this song this morning. And even if there are some extreme parts I more than gladly leave out of my life in the lyrics, I can't help but, more than sometimes, think that Mr Williams do speak my mind.




Man, this guy can write lyrics...

So I sing a song
To reel 'em in
It's a song I've sung before and
a song I'm gonna sing again
I mean every word and I don't mean
a single one of them
Oh Lord make me pure but not yet

Tell a joke
Tell it twice
If no one else is laughing then why am I?
I split my sides both times and laugh until I cry
Oh Lord, please, make me pure but not yet

I don't have to try
I just dial it in
I've never found a job that for me
was worth bothering
I've got a ton of selfish genes
and lazy bones beneath this skin
Oh Lord, make me pure but not yet

Smoking kills
Sex sells
I've got one hand in my pocket but the
other one looks cool as hell
I know I'm going to die so my revenge
is living well
Oh Lord, make me pure but not yet

I stopped praying so I hope this song will do
I wrote it all for you
I'm not perfect, but you don't mind that,
do you?
I know you're there to pull me through
Aren't you?

So I look for love
I like the search
And I've been standing for election all across
the known universe
That every President gets the country she deserves
Oh Lord, make me pure but not yet

And I've been seeing
Somebody's wife
She said she'd leave him for me,
and I said that wasn't wise
You can't lie to a liar, because of all the lies
Oh Lord, please, make me pure but not yet

Hard to be a loner...

Hm... took a long walk yesterday and thought about life. Realized something. The very few things that the men that I've been attracted to have in common can be summon up in the song "Easy come, Easy go" by Rebecka Törnqvist.

Should probably see someone about that.

And humans we all are....

I've been outraged about pastors misleading their congregations many times in my life. But this story... It just makes me sad to be part of something where turning your whole life into a lie rather then telling the, sometimes filthy, truth seems like the best way out. How can we create a church where we are all aloud to be ourselves and ask for help with our struggles when we need it?

Watch through this, it'll leave you... moved. One way or another.