Planning on a criminal career?

So. Here's the conversation of the day.

I went to one of my six year old nieces Christmas concert today. They had a Santa Lucia thing (Swedish Christmas tradition) and S sang her first solo. She did perfect.

After the concert, as I was about to leave, we shared this splendid little conversation:

Me: I love you so much, angel.

Long silence.

S: Don't you EVER forget that.

Hm... wondering what she is planning for her future.

Her little sister digged herself even deeper into her aunts heart (if that's even possible). With a little bit of fever and tired eyes she told her dad; "daddy, I think I need a little more Josefine". I do agree. I think she needs that too.

Yup, all the aunt pride for me today. Have a happy weekend!

Just trying out...

... The little function that lets me email my blog. Is it working?

Healing weakness

The other day I did a Facebook error. Those are fatal. I wrote a status update where I wanted to say; "Josefine is smiling at life's little Achilles heels". But I misspelled heels (I actually spelled Akilles in Swedish too, but what the heck). I wrote heals. So, my facebook update (which is the most important source for your friends to find out anything these days) said; "Josefine is smiling at life's little Akilles heals". Ha.

My sweet friend Will pointed this out to me within minutes. And just as I was about to change it, I realized that I liked it. What I had meant in the first place was the fact that there will always be people and events in your life that will bring you a certain amount of... weakness. Like... The Frizon festival will always be a weak point for me. I will always have a lot of feelings attached to it and you will always be able to hurt me by talking down on it or my work there, and it will always fill me with pride when I think back. And I realized another example a while ago after meeting with a friend I was once in love with. It's something about the attraction that does it. You continue a friendship after the storm's over and it's all good, you would want it in no other way, but when you hang out and the person then leaves, you'll always feel a small sting in your heart. A certain... weakness. A reminiscing feeling of the fact that there was once something more to it that was sweet but that you don't want back.

And maybe my best example would be my nieces and nephew (and I can only imagine having my own kids). If you wanna harm me, harm them. If you want me to do something, get them to ask me. And by my status update I simply just meant that... it's so ok. It's so ok to still feel that itch in the heart, to still know you're vulnerable and I'm quite happy about the fact that some things make me really soft and mushy. That it can really get to me. In my world of constant control, I can still lose it over the little Achilles heels of life.

And then I misspelled it. And it got even cooler. Cause, yeah. The things and people that can really get to me, are the same things and people that can put the pieces together again. About two weeks ago I spent an afternoon in a hotel lobby in Stockholm with, probably, one of the people who has the most power over me. A person who, and sometimes I think it's through magic, has the ability to pick up every piece of me when I brake. Usually without knowing it. Who can talk right in to my life about things I should change or rethink without me getting defensive. Who can fill me with a warmth that is in no way connected to attraction or family or achievements but only to the pure love of a special friendship. And there's my Achilles heal, right there. In the relationships where I, not by my own choice really, have all my shields down. Where my throat is naked and my heart is open. And it's just something really special with that. Something...healing.

Last Sunday I was sitting in church when the whole "I've lost everything I've ever written"-thing came over me. Started to cry quietly and barely noticeable. I just sat there in the midst of worship feeling sad, yet egoistic, about my loss. Cause really, what have I lost compared to people who are grieving a loved one? It's just... stuff. But there and then it got to me. And suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, my three year old niece came jumping up in my lap. She didn't say anything. She put her arms around my neck, looked me in the eyes and then she started rubbing her nose against mine. Slowly and comforting at first, then faster and faster till it turned in to a game that got her laughing out loud. And there I was. Whole again. She got to my heel. She is my heal.

I had a talk earlier today with a friend about some peoples need for perfection. About how it can be so important to show the rest of the world that you've got it. That you are all together and whole. That nothing can harm the porcelain world you've built that is shiny, yet so fragile. And I thought to myself that I don't want that. I want my Achilles heels. I want the occasional stings in my heart and I want the truth from people who care for me. And I just pray that I chose, or that I'm given, the right times to be that vulnerable. That I let the right people, events and words get to me.

And over all, I'm just thankful for the healing from my heels. And still smiling about them. No matter how much I misspell them on Facebook.

Warm versus Cold

So. That job in Milan. That's on. But they moved it from Milan. To the Swedish mountains. What did I ever do to life?

so much for kindness

yay.

So. I just published the blog on kindness. And I got that little Internet thingy back. And I had a great day at the office. We were even singing Jesussongs and being all silly. And what happens? I go back to my office, from our lunch room, literally to write a Facebook update stating my over all happiness, just to realize there is no computer there to write on. After a second look I realized there is also no wallet in my office. And no iPod. This is when I call the police and the entire office gets involved in the thief-hunt-code-changing-card-cancelling-insurance company-calling-business. And then, after a while when everything cooled down, I also realize that the offices camera is gone. And. Worst of all. Actually. Probably worst of all times. My back up hard drive is gone. My everything-I-have-written-since-I-was-fourteen-device is missing. It's gone. All gone. This is where I start laughing. I laughed for twenty minutes. I even called Arvid to come pick me up cause I didn't trust myself to get home safely. I laughed my blood pressure down to a new record low, almost passing out from all the laugh coming out of me. It was just too much.

A couple of hours later, while it all slowly got to me, I also realized that my old phone was gone. The one that I still hadn't emptied from all the text messages, number, notes, pictures... So. There is actually no track record of my social life for the past couple of years at all. Maybe that is a relief to some people... But I'm a sentimental kind of person. I wanted those little short love stories, written by people I care for more than life. Or just by people I thought were interesting for a day or two...

So. Anyways. Life kind of starts over. And after reality actually hit me and I got the fact that all those things and memories are gone, I kind of got a feeling of being violated. What if someone decided to read through stuff? Look at the pics? Well... hopefully they just erased it all but what if? It's just....

I'd gladly give that stuff away. The stuff in itself is nothing. But those poems I wrote in high school. All the organization plans for the festival. The articles. My journals. The photo shoots.

So. Yay. Here's to kind people. And to the people who now own an iPod they stole with the inscription; "Are you believing, loving, living?" on the back... Yay to them.