Weird...

... how you can want for someone to call just so you can tell them not to. Ha.

Planning on a criminal career?

So. Here's the conversation of the day.

I went to one of my six year old nieces Christmas concert today. They had a Santa Lucia thing (Swedish Christmas tradition) and S sang her first solo. She did perfect.

After the concert, as I was about to leave, we shared this splendid little conversation:

Me: I love you so much, angel.

Long silence.

S: Don't you EVER forget that.

Hm... wondering what she is planning for her future.

Her little sister digged herself even deeper into her aunts heart (if that's even possible). With a little bit of fever and tired eyes she told her dad; "daddy, I think I need a little more Josefine". I do agree. I think she needs that too.

Yup, all the aunt pride for me today. Have a happy weekend!

Just trying out...

... The little function that lets me email my blog. Is it working?

Healing weakness

The other day I did a Facebook error. Those are fatal. I wrote a status update where I wanted to say; "Josefine is smiling at life's little Achilles heels". But I misspelled heels (I actually spelled Akilles in Swedish too, but what the heck). I wrote heals. So, my facebook update (which is the most important source for your friends to find out anything these days) said; "Josefine is smiling at life's little Akilles heals". Ha.

My sweet friend Will pointed this out to me within minutes. And just as I was about to change it, I realized that I liked it. What I had meant in the first place was the fact that there will always be people and events in your life that will bring you a certain amount of... weakness. Like... The Frizon festival will always be a weak point for me. I will always have a lot of feelings attached to it and you will always be able to hurt me by talking down on it or my work there, and it will always fill me with pride when I think back. And I realized another example a while ago after meeting with a friend I was once in love with. It's something about the attraction that does it. You continue a friendship after the storm's over and it's all good, you would want it in no other way, but when you hang out and the person then leaves, you'll always feel a small sting in your heart. A certain... weakness. A reminiscing feeling of the fact that there was once something more to it that was sweet but that you don't want back.

And maybe my best example would be my nieces and nephew (and I can only imagine having my own kids). If you wanna harm me, harm them. If you want me to do something, get them to ask me. And by my status update I simply just meant that... it's so ok. It's so ok to still feel that itch in the heart, to still know you're vulnerable and I'm quite happy about the fact that some things make me really soft and mushy. That it can really get to me. In my world of constant control, I can still lose it over the little Achilles heels of life.

And then I misspelled it. And it got even cooler. Cause, yeah. The things and people that can really get to me, are the same things and people that can put the pieces together again. About two weeks ago I spent an afternoon in a hotel lobby in Stockholm with, probably, one of the people who has the most power over me. A person who, and sometimes I think it's through magic, has the ability to pick up every piece of me when I brake. Usually without knowing it. Who can talk right in to my life about things I should change or rethink without me getting defensive. Who can fill me with a warmth that is in no way connected to attraction or family or achievements but only to the pure love of a special friendship. And there's my Achilles heal, right there. In the relationships where I, not by my own choice really, have all my shields down. Where my throat is naked and my heart is open. And it's just something really special with that. Something...healing.

Last Sunday I was sitting in church when the whole "I've lost everything I've ever written"-thing came over me. Started to cry quietly and barely noticeable. I just sat there in the midst of worship feeling sad, yet egoistic, about my loss. Cause really, what have I lost compared to people who are grieving a loved one? It's just... stuff. But there and then it got to me. And suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, my three year old niece came jumping up in my lap. She didn't say anything. She put her arms around my neck, looked me in the eyes and then she started rubbing her nose against mine. Slowly and comforting at first, then faster and faster till it turned in to a game that got her laughing out loud. And there I was. Whole again. She got to my heel. She is my heal.

I had a talk earlier today with a friend about some peoples need for perfection. About how it can be so important to show the rest of the world that you've got it. That you are all together and whole. That nothing can harm the porcelain world you've built that is shiny, yet so fragile. And I thought to myself that I don't want that. I want my Achilles heels. I want the occasional stings in my heart and I want the truth from people who care for me. And I just pray that I chose, or that I'm given, the right times to be that vulnerable. That I let the right people, events and words get to me.

And over all, I'm just thankful for the healing from my heels. And still smiling about them. No matter how much I misspell them on Facebook.

Warm versus Cold

So. That job in Milan. That's on. But they moved it from Milan. To the Swedish mountains. What did I ever do to life?

so much for kindness

yay.

So. I just published the blog on kindness. And I got that little Internet thingy back. And I had a great day at the office. We were even singing Jesussongs and being all silly. And what happens? I go back to my office, from our lunch room, literally to write a Facebook update stating my over all happiness, just to realize there is no computer there to write on. After a second look I realized there is also no wallet in my office. And no iPod. This is when I call the police and the entire office gets involved in the thief-hunt-code-changing-card-cancelling-insurance company-calling-business. And then, after a while when everything cooled down, I also realize that the offices camera is gone. And. Worst of all. Actually. Probably worst of all times. My back up hard drive is gone. My everything-I-have-written-since-I-was-fourteen-device is missing. It's gone. All gone. This is where I start laughing. I laughed for twenty minutes. I even called Arvid to come pick me up cause I didn't trust myself to get home safely. I laughed my blood pressure down to a new record low, almost passing out from all the laugh coming out of me. It was just too much.

A couple of hours later, while it all slowly got to me, I also realized that my old phone was gone. The one that I still hadn't emptied from all the text messages, number, notes, pictures... So. There is actually no track record of my social life for the past couple of years at all. Maybe that is a relief to some people... But I'm a sentimental kind of person. I wanted those little short love stories, written by people I care for more than life. Or just by people I thought were interesting for a day or two...

So. Anyways. Life kind of starts over. And after reality actually hit me and I got the fact that all those things and memories are gone, I kind of got a feeling of being violated. What if someone decided to read through stuff? Look at the pics? Well... hopefully they just erased it all but what if? It's just....

I'd gladly give that stuff away. The stuff in itself is nothing. But those poems I wrote in high school. All the organization plans for the festival. The articles. My journals. The photo shoots.

So. Yay. Here's to kind people. And to the people who now own an iPod they stole with the inscription; "Are you believing, loving, living?" on the back... Yay to them.

A shout-out to kindness

They do exist!

On the train back home. It's winter time. I could easily run away from this country during winter. I simply hates it, there is no other word for it. Sorry. So, what better way to cope than to go even further up north where it's even colder? I went up to Umeå Monday to do a job, actually had a great time. Hosted a seminar with a great Swedish comedian and finished the day off with a great dinner at a beautiful hotel. Anyways, on my way home this morning I lost my little Internet device for my computer. And I realized again that I need to learn how to be careful with stuff. I lost that thingy at the airport, and my only reaction was; "crap, that 's gonna cost me money". Why can't I learn how to be more careful!? Well... that's another blog, I guess.

Anyways, didn't expect to see that pink thing again but now a couple of minutes ago, they called from the tele company that I have that Internet service with, telling me that some stranger had found my thing and had taken the trouble to call them, asked them to track me down and give me his email. How sweet is that? I mean, it is one thing if you find a persons wallet with ID and everything in it, but this thing actually came with some detective work if you wanted to do the good deed of returning it. Yay for great people!

I also realized that what made my day most, wasn't the fact that I'm gonna get the thing (what the heck do you call those... things, btw?) back, it was surely the fact that someone cared enough to help. I don't know when I gave up on humanity, but I assumed since this is making me so happy that I did. I plainly didn't believe someone would be nice enough to go through the trouble of returning it to me.

So, here is to great people! To kindness and to getting into the Christmas spirit a little early. THANK you!

Life is weird...

I keep on being amazed by all the weirdness I end up in. Just had a great evening with dinner up in northern Sweden after a days work. Great conversations with a man I've seen on TV since I was a kid and who I was now sharing life stories with far away from home. That's weird. On my way home tomorrow I have to close a deal with a company in Stockholm working with things I can't even pronounce but who wanna bring me with them to Milano to teach stuff in January. That's weird. Saturday I'm going on an interview that will maybe take me to India for a month next spring. That's weird.

You would think with all the weirdness I shouldn't have to write weird theater scripts and escape into an even weirder world of drama? Reality should be enough. Yet. Drama writing night tomorrow! Yay! So much fun. Think there could be some new challenges for my friends in there....

Yes we can

I'm wondering....
Does that Obama-person take on people as well as countries? I could surely do with that. My own personal Obama in life.
Change? Yes, we can.

The American view on taxes

Hey... there's no secret that I, as much of the rest of the world, felt great relief when it was declared last week that Obama won the election. More on that later.
But I can't help but think that this pic is so worth sharing.... If you guys only knew what we are paying in taxes here... :)

One of those days

I have one of those days where I'm constantly drawn down memory lane but where I try not to cause I'm not sure it's healthy. Hm... Is it? Life is full of those wonderful great memories and as soon as I get to one of those points where I wander about what's coming next, I'm so tempted to go back to those memories. Because it is safe. Because I know what that's like. Because it, in hindsight, seems like it was a better life.

I need an exercise in learning how to look ahead.

To sum it all up

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Enough already

I've grown tired of myself today. So fired up trying to understand all these politic matters that I fear that I've become way too outspoken and even a little harsh sounding. Not my intention. Sorry. I just really, really wanna figure it out.

My sweet friend Jeff sent me this Derek Webb video. It sums it up pretty well. So, here we go, I'm gonna give the last word to Mr. Webb and I'll go home now, remembering tomorrow's important decisions in prayer tonight.

Love to all.

Maybe I'm doing something right...

Sorry, only in Swedish...

Hittade en webbversion av klassiska Myers-Briggs personlighetstestet. Läskigt att man tycker att man svarar helt random och ändå verkar det alltid landa ganska rätt. Även om de konsekvent tycks beskriva en som en vackrare tyå än man är...

Testa själv!

Quick! Shut your eyes! I'm gonna write an ugly word...

Ok, are you ready? Here it comes. Socialism. There. I said. it. Scary, huh?

I will get off this election topic pretty soon but there is just one more thing that I can't help but being... amused and scared about. (amused and scared, btw, seem to be the emotion of the week). It seems, when I read through blogs and media, that one of the worst things you can call Obama is socialist. Really? Anyone read anything about socialism recently? Yeah, yeah, ok, I don't want another Soviet or a North Korea, I've never voted for a party entirely dedicated to the socialistic ideas from the beginning of the last century. And I do believe that the people forming those ideas aren't too keen on the modern versions of it carried out in parts of the east either. But, seriously, the idea of sharing? Of trying to make sure that even the less fortunate get the protection they need to live a better life? The idea of us carrying our country forward together? Is that really such a scary thing? Would a little more shared responsibility hurt us? Anyhow... is a word describing those ideas the worst thing ever to call a political opponent? Funny.

I live in a country, run by a right wing government btw (even though left wing in the States is still really on the right of the right here...) , where the taxes are higher than in most other countries in the world. And guess what? I like it. Cause, if I get run over by a car on my way home today, i get all the medical care that I need, for free. And that goes for the homeless man in the street as well. No insurance needed. And if I would one day chose to have a baby, either me or my husband could stay at home with our kid for at least a year - a year and a half (and seriously, most of Swedish men are home with their babies for about six months, that's quite cool), and it's paid for. School is free. University is free. No expensive college funds and no locking you out of education cause your parents weren't rich enough. Socialism? Well, then so be it.

Poverty is heading it's way to Sweden too. The rich are becoming richer and the less fortunate are losing more and more. Gaps are getting wider. People are buying private insurances and pay money at private clinics to get out of long lines at the hospitals. Nothing I'm proud of, I'd rather have us going the other direction.

In a book called The Bible it says:

All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had... There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need.

Dunno for sure, but it seems to me that sharing is a biblical thing. (And if you do wanna state that the particular quote is about church, not state, then I wanna state that so are the rest of the Bible too... Like the Biblical views on homosexuality... So... you can toss and turn everything around forever. And as usual... I'm thinking out loud...)

Anyhow. Socialism or not. I've read so many blogs from Christians these past couple of days, stating that increasing taxes and take more responsibility together would be ungodly. I actually, just minutes ago, received an email from someone I don't know, but who has my email address for work reasons, who pleaded to all the 2000 receivers of the mail to vote republican to make sure there wouldn't be a man with socialistic ideas running the country. (The woman also compared Obama to HItler while stating he was muslim, it was very... amusing and scary...)

Hey, folks, I know I keep on raving about how critical I am about all this... I don't know. I'm not sure who would better run the United States of America. I don't know if it makes a difference. I'm not a devoted democrat, nor do i despise republicans. There are just some of these few little details, blown out of proportions, that I'm very skeptical about. So.. I just use my own little Internet soapbox to... write about it a bit.

Good luck tomorrow, guys. We'll stay up all night and follow the results. Amused. And scared.

There she stands. Really?

He can do it with the Swedish flag too...



So, I'm so in to this election thing right now... I can't help it. It is entertaining. It is scary. It raises sooo many questions.

Most of us over here try to understand and grasp how so many Christians in America can be such hard core patriots... I mean, sure, if that is what you want then... go ahead. But, I just don't get it.

The author, and really cool person, Shane Claiborne says in his book Jesus for president that, even though it might surprise a lot of Americans, The US of A is never once mentioned in the Bible. Ha. In fact... Most countries aren't. And that is ok by most of us. Christian people around the world separate the Kingdom of God from the geographical kingdom they are living in. Why not so in America? Please, sweet US citizens explain this to me. Why is the flag so important? You treat it like it's way more than a symbol of the place you live in. You even join in with Mr Smitty in almost singing worship songs to the thing. A while back the head pastor of the Crystal Cathedral (a very strange place in itself if you wanna deal with modesty and stuff...) held a sermon pretending he WAS the flag. And a gigantic striped banner thing was lowered from the ceiling IN FRONT of the cross... Hm, don't get it. It's a piece of cloth to me. As is the Swedish flag.
And the national hymn thing. We have one too. We sing it at sports event sometimes. And at graduations. It's a pretty sweet little song, with weird lyrics. It makes me think of summer. I have no idea if our prime minister likes it or not. I couldn't care less.

Hey, what I'm saying is.... I know there are things I don't understand and I'm acting more stupid than I am here... And I know that I haven't been sending my husband or brother out in a war and I can't imagine what that must feel like. But sometimes I wish my American friends could take a little tour around the world and see how Christians in other countries deal with flag and patriotism. Cause I sincerely can't see why getting in a war for my earthly country would give me extra points in any way on my way to heaven. And I can't see why that would make me a better president. The same way I can't see why it is even a subject if the leader of my country sings a certain songs on a regular basis or not.

I might be stupid. Feel very free to explain it to me. And all of my friends stating other opinions regardless of church statements, record sales and radio plays (and possibly lifelong condemnation... :). Thank you!

Most important thing? Let's STOP people from loving each other

So, feel like stepping into a mind field here...

Hey... I... Well, there are just so many things to say about that upcoming election that nothing gets said. There are so many interesting threads to pull. But.. one thing.

This Petition 8 story. There's this political thing in California going on trying to stop gay people from marrying each other and to regulate that these things doesn't get taught in school and stuff.

Christian people has been a huge part of raising more than 25 million dollars to make sure that this petition gets through. So. Ok. Let me think. People in my Christian family think it is worth 25 freaking m i l l i o n dollars to make sure other people live by their standard? I can't begin to figure in how many ways... oh, sorry, I'll try to stay a little politically correct here.

Number one: I am a straight person. I believe that God intended us to be man and woman and live together ever after. I also believe that this world is f***** up and that love is one of the few things that are truly still beautiful. So be it. The gay question is not even the matter here, so I'm gonna leave that out of it.
Number two: Why is it so important for some Christians to regulate other peoples life? Why would we want people who doesn't even believe that Jesus exists, to live by his word? Again, my last post long ago is addressing the same matter.
Number three: I guess one of the reasons Christians would wanna regulate other peoples life is because they believe that God knows what is best for us. Here's an idea: Let's introduce people to that God instead of telling them what they should and should not do first? Sounds smart? Thought so.
Number four: This God type kind of talks a lot about love. Actually, love comes kind of at the top of the list. So... How come some of us make it an main issue to make sure that people know that they are lost and doomed rather than loved and cherished?
Number five, and this is a big one: What the heck does it say to people about that love from God when his people can spend 25 million dollars to make sure that people do not get the same rights as others? Cause, let's face it. No matter what we think about homosexuality and again, that is not the question, is it really ok to say that some people should not have the same legal rights as others? Cause that is really what this is about, isn't it? Do you know what could have been done with 25 million dollars? Think about it for a sec. Is it money well spent? Is it wise? It it really the most important issue?

I feel a little urge tonight to say... I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry some of my family thinks it is worth money to make sure you feel left out. I'm sorry, and this is no excuse, but in some weird way I think this is some peoples way of... showing love and concern. It's just very... weird.

And family! How about we take that money and go save a... country somewhere? Let love be love and let God be the one to judge. All of us. I have this tiny feeling he'll be more merciful than most of us. And that I'll be one of the people most in need of that mercy.

Walking into the trap - What's holy?

There's a blog I've been wanting to write for a while dealing with church, moral and society. I, as a lot of people, feel some kind of need to comment on the on going pastors-leaving-their-families-or-battling-addiction dilemma. But something else just came up worth a comment too.
We have a comedian in Sweden named Magnus Betnér. He is quite funny from time to time but he is one of those who has made his fame from being untouchable. He makes fun of jews, christians, muslims... He makes jokes about incest and rape and his language is vulgar and full of sexual references. Nothing new there. But you know, since one of his goals seems to be to cause a stir, he has reached that goal when he does. Which makes criticizing him the same as complementing him really. So, when people are happy and think he is really funny - he has reached his goal. And when people are mad or disappointed - he has reached his goal. All in all - making him untouchable.

Now he has this new TV-show called "In your face" where he goes to the places he makes fun of to heckle them in their own environment. Pretty fun concept. This Monday he visited a church and made a lot of fun of Christianity. He talked about Jesus as a homosexual surrounding himself with men in skirts, of the Bible as common dirt and other stuff. Did he go too far? Oh yes. Is a worth being upset about. Not really.

Of course, just hours after the show, a Swedish pastor feels the need to raise his voice and tell the Swedes how very, very disgraceful this is. The big Christian newspaper gladly gave him the space to do that and the big tabloid quickly blow it out of proportions. He also made clear that it was ok to make fun of Christians but not of what is holy in our faith. I wonder if Mr Betnér has yet called him and thanked him for the attention he needed and were expecting for the show?

To me, this just raises a couple of questions:
Mr Nice Pastor, even if I don't agree with Betnér or his methods, is it really that smart to give him and his production team exactly what they want here? More attention and a lot of free PR?
Wouldn't it be way more constructive to ask ourselfes why a comedian feel the need to make fun of Christianity like this? What have WE done to make people feel offended by our faith and what we stand for? Shouldn't we have that conversation instead of the "we feel so offended"-one? Maybe, just maybe, there are things here for us to listen to?
What is holy, really? I hold my faith more dear than anything, but I'm not sure about if anything is too holy for me to have fun with. I'm thinking out loud here, cause I'm really not sure. I know there are things I believe are inappropriate and I will always believe in choosing what wars you pick in life, but is it really offending to me when someone makes fun of my faith? I don't think so. I do believe my faith is stronger than that.
And... If it is ok to make fun of Christians but not of our faith, does that mean that our faith is not up for discussion and criticism? Cause that sounds pretty scary and fundamental to me...

Hey, I get the point. I wasn't enjoying the jokes, I think they are immature and hurtful in ways that are not even close to necessary. I also believe that in Sweden it is way easier to make fun of Christians than other religions or minorities. But to cause a stir about it? Really... I think that channel Five had been disappointed if no pastor did and that they are thanking this guy. And I think that this pastor is making it even harder for the rest of us trying to be Christians in our lunch rooms at work. He is building on a very negative stereotype and... I just don't believe in that.

And also. I believe in freedom of speech. We can't go around pressing charges against everyone offending us. I also, however, believe in respecting other people and their opinions. I might think that Mr Betnér got a thing or two to learn there, everything can't be said in the name of entertainment or will to provoke. But, after reading his own blog I think that he actually seems to be willing to talk about why he does what he does and the real reasons behind it. And... I don't know, all the suing people scares me way more than someone's opinions on specific matters.

One more little thing in this already too long post... As a church, why do we turn to society when we need help cause we feel offended or persuaded? Why do we want people who doesn't even believe that God exist to follow his laws? Isn't it a little upside down? Shouldn't we instead turn to society to talk about our saviour and talk about Jesus love for his people more than what rules this stranger they have never met wants us to live by? Just wondering.

I will never compromise my Jesus. But to fight everytime someone offends my faith? No. Let's choose the path of conversations here instead, friends? How about that? Cause, this time, our Mr Nice Pastor just walked right into the trap.... And the only ones who are happier are the people in need of good ratings....

We are a cathedral full of people
in a kingdom that the eye can't see
- Downhere

In Swedish again...

My sentiment exactly...

Just silly and I like it...

I couldn't help it - it's all your fault

unnecessary

I found myself thinking that I have reasons to feel down and wondering why I am not. Isn't that a real waste of thinking energy?

Upside down

Had one of those mornings where you wake up and have no idea what day it is or where you are. Stayed in bed till I had figured out that it was Thursday and I was due to the office for no specific reasons.
Went into the bathroom and realized that I couldn't turn the light on. This is when my confusion starts to scare me a bit. The light switch was upside down. LIterally. Couldn't make it work. I had to turn the light on the opposite direction from what I've done every morning for three years... Took me a couple of more minutes before I realized that Arvid fixed something with it last night. The switch had fallen from it's socket and he put it back. Apparently - upside down. Enough to scare me in my morning sleepiness.
Anyways. At the office now. Still haven't found any specific reason why.
Great start.

Faith for real

A lot of times I struggle with the happy preppy Christianity introduced to me from TV-shows, music, magazines or church pulpets. In my home church, yeah, but maybe even more from our American friends (I guess Americans in general is just a happier preppier people... :). But this clip... There's just nothing plastic or fake about the hope in this very very tragic story.

A seventeen year old ran over his five year old sister on the driveway and killed here. This is what the family has to say:

Dreaming away

Survived the first day of new class. I soooo easily go into over gear when I have a new group of people in front of me. Like it would work better if I'm a real geek and they can all have the one thing together that they all feel uncomfortable watching me. Think I did ok this time though. Hope so.

Getting back to normal routines again makes me wanna start up the acting stuff again. We have this great little non formed group of people who does not desire to be on stage in front of people particularly but who really enjoys the impro part of acting. So we get together every now and then either for some impro tournaments that is more about making each other laugh or some really serious impro dramas. Those are the weirdest. Someone writes a story, tells everyone parts of it, like the obvious things known to everyone. Like "These two are married" or "Jack and Tom are brothers and run a company together" and then everyone gets a paper with all the info only their character knows. Like... "Jack hates the company and has a crush on Tom's wife". And then the drama starts and everyone tries to keep their little secrets and get what they want. Veeery destructive and chaotic and lots and lots of fun.

In my longing to start the whole thing up again after the summer I read through our last impro. Here is the little mind map I did for that one. So much fun. I miss acting sometimes. But actually. the little bits I do now totally fulfills my drama needs, I think. And when work gets a little boring, dreaming away to new little intrigues is so much fun.

Hiding...

This is how bad I am at my job. I start a new class in... sixteen minutes. Most of them are sitting outside my door, quiet and nervous. I'm hiding inside my office, trying to look really busy cause i just HATE the phase where everyone's depending on me, the teacher, to ease up the situation. So... this blog are my very busy last minute preparations. Soon I have to get in there, but then, it's in the classroom and at least I can be in front of people and don't have to mingle around and do small talk. Oh. I rule.

really really great weekend...

I love my friends. Can't be stated too often. Had a great weekend in my brothers cabin. Just great.

But back to reality. Tomorrow I start a new class, 20 new students invading my work. So not up for it. Catching a fever as well. Poor me. No. I'm fine. Just rambling. Worthless post really. Ha.

Summer seems....

.... to be back!

Maybe just for a few hours though. So! We're of to a the countryside this weekend. Trying to suck the last little bit of life out of the summer.
Oh, I really think I would love living someplace else for at least six months a year.

I wanna learn that too...

For my Swedish friends...

I've been reading through all the media from Frizon and I'm stuck with this guys blog. He's got the concept! This is what blogging is about, more than that narcissistic yada yada so many of us, myself included, tends to get lost in.

Way to go:

Emanuels Karlstens blogg på Dagen.se

Ready? My theory by Anne Elk (miss). This theory goes as follows and begins now

I've spent a lot of time with Monty Pythons flying circus this summer. In airports, at nice summer evenings in Spain and in trying to recover from the festival fatigue. I believe I have decided that this is my all time favorite. John Cleese... what a man.

We've played all our cards...

A thousand things to write, yet, I haven't told anyone about this address yet so... it doesn't really matter. It's all for me so far.

Anyways, went to se the movie Mamma Mia last night. Was expecting some lame light entertainment with some classic hits in it. Was actually surprised. Of course it is really quite silly and unrealistic, but, hey what romantic comedy isn't? But I enjoyed it way more than I thought, quite a little happy pill.

I've always, for some reason, summed up my relationships in songs. Until recently at least, there's some changes in that department as well... A whole other story. Back to the subject. Watching that movie last night brought me back to one of the songs that accompanied the end of one of the greatest friendships stories in my life. You know, that one, that you know has to end, cause... there's just nothing left but emptiness and tears. Well, maybe you don't know, maybe that has only happened to me, nothing I wish for anyone else. But I have one of those. There's no agony, no anger, no feelings of affection left. There is peace. And there is rarely any trips down memory lane nowadays (but when i t does happen, I do seem to write about it, so the blog might think I'm lying...). But there will always be a sad smile on my face when I do think back. There will always be a small hole in my heart that no happiness can fill. It's controllable, sane and quite healthy even, but it's there. And I remember playing that song on repeat when I realized it was over. Yesterday it came back vividly again. There are no regrets. Life proceeded according to plan and I'm better off. Not in a "ha, look at me now"-way but in a "Yeah... I see it now, this is how it was supposed to be"-way.

But... I realized again... that in some stories there is no turning back. There is no ten years later down the road we'll meet again and talk old memories. It just changed you too much, robbed you of too much. It would just remind you of the hurt and who it turned you in to. It would remind you of the years you spent trying to get your head back above water. And it will just never ever be worth it. You wish the best in the universe for that person but no... no shake of hands. It's just asking too much.

Anyways... That shallow happy Abba movie just made me think of that...

I don't wanna talk
About things we've gone through
Though it's hurting me, now it's history
I've played all my cards
And that's what you've done too
Nothing more to say, no more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser's standing small
Beside the victory, that's her destiny

I don't wanna talk if it makes you feel sad
And I understand
You've come to shake my hand
I apologize if it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense, no self-confidence
But you see

The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all

That festival is trouble...

So...

It ended again. That Frizon festival thing. And it is dangerous. It means trouble. It messes with me. Just... just check my blog from a year back on the same subject. It's the same darn thing.

How do I earn my money today?
What do I make of that money?
Is either of it for the benefit of God's kingdom on earth?
If the answer is no... then what the heck do I do about it?

Im not saying the answer is no... I think I... I hope... I do some good where I'm at right now. But meeting all these beautiful people. Meeting these girls on their way through life asking directions from silly old me... Standing in front of stage when my friends delivers the toughest challenge ever... This is our time. This is the time to do this.

And what am I doing? What should I be doing? Gah... Hate that place.

(The pic is from last year. The brilliant painter Tomas Munkas Larsson did this painting on stage during one of the services, the world "Igen" means "again". Broke something in me. )

Splendid...

This summer has been splendid in so many ways. Just so peaceful and ... safe. My last summer was kind of the opposite. It felt kind of chaotic, with myself and a lot of people around me suddenly trying to figure huge stuff out all at once. This year... none of that. Just a longed for rest. Yet again I realize that time off usually takes more from me than actually being at the office. I know the office, I know my work self and I know my pros and cons. The private hanging-out-with-people version of me scares me way more. But I'm learning. And it's been a great summer to do that. Our last night in Spain was amazing. My weekend at M&Ms place like being home. Revealing things to Martin I didn't even know myself during a car ride like the most natural thing ever. It's like I'm starting to believe stuff people have told me for a long time but that I've been too stupid or scared to get.

So, in all this peacefulness I've started to ask myself some new "what ifs...". I'm realizing that blogging is the most dramatic I get nowadays really. Life i so much calmer and cooler and... that should tell me stuff. Stuff about where I'm the most me. Where I am at my best. What's left when the big words and emotions, my need to analyze it all, are gone. Where safety is. There's just a lot to figure out. And I so enjoy the ride. There's no rush, no big questions that need quick answers. There's a flow. And life is... splendid.

I've got the coolest friends. And even if there's still a trip to Stockholm I long to do, and friends in the States I haven't seen in ages and even some people I'll miss, unable to figure out how not to, there's been time to be around my best this summer. To realize there is actually family outside my flesh and blood. What a God given thing.

We had plans...

... to send this postcard to our friends from Spain but we never got to it. Were busy doing nothing. Great time though. A long week spent in Southern Spain kicked of my vacation. Best summer in a long time. Peter was the splendid host, I had the perfect company, I asked myself a thousand questions and think I managed to get more on my own nerves than others...

If you are friends with a guy called Arvid, you can check out the Facebook pics. Like that would be intriguing. Three people doing nothing for eight days.

I'm off to Russia in two hours. To Vyborg. I did ten trips there when I was younger. My church has a sister church there and we're going over with a bus filled with clothes and stuff. This time around I'm going cause my mom wants to bring my oldest niece, who is eleven, to see our friends there and I thought I should tag along hoping to be of some good company to one of my favorite girls. Also, I have a lot of friends there that I haven't seen in years... so that can be pretty great.

I have some really weird memories from my trips to Russia. Some very beautiful ones an some I could really really live without. Especially the aftermaths of them. Going back is a little bit like time traveling. Hoping not to run into anything unpleasant.

What If I could visit back to some of those occasions? If I could pick ten moments in life that defined me and relive them? What would those moments be? Good and bad ones? Ha... I think the first two would probably connect pretty directly with my first encounters with Jesus at a pretty young age. Then a couple of them would be work related, some specific moment at my beloved Frizon festival topping that list. Then... Of course there are some affectionate moments that, even if the person sharing it with me no longer holds that same status, has left lasting impressions. Moments that will always make me smile.

And I've probably got as defined by the scariest, saddest moments in my life. Moments that crashed my illusions, stopped me from believing in myself or others around me. Moments that made me questions the very core of me, of family, of Christ.

Hm... come to think of it, I don't really think I wanna relive either the good or the bad ones. I think I'll just keep some of them close at heart and continue to accept the other ones as stuff to deal with or try to leave behind.

Ok, this is a blog about nothing really. Just haven't written in a long time and I'm about to board a bus that... dunno... brought back stuff I haven't thought about in a very very long time.

dasvidanja

On questions and answers

Went through my old blog and found this quote that I just find simply brilliant.
And if you, for some stupid reason, wanna know what I've been thining about for the past two years, the old blog is still there. www.myspace.com/josefinearenius

I beg of you to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

- Rilke

Soundtrack of life

Every now and then, I come back to this song, it has stuck with me, probably more than any other. It's a healing in there somewhere. Someone gave me reason to put it on repeat again yesterday. For happy reasons. For it was that time in someone else's life. Time to say; "I'm climbing out of the rubble".

God is teaching me stuff right now. Through the people I care for. Through the people I admire. Through being where I am. Loving it.

It's been a hard year
But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here
And you're picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

Just a little while ago
I couldn't feel the power or the hope
I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars
And more like
character

- Sara Groves, Less like Scars from All right here

New home

Yeah... so I've been thinking about it for quite some time.... Maybe MySpace isn't really the best place for blogging? It's kind of messy to get to the actual blogs. So maybe I should try a new home?

On the other hand... I can never make up my mind about this whole thing. I get way too dramatic when I write, regardless of if someone's reading it or not. And a part of me enjoys that. I certainly do enjoy reading my friends dramatic blogs and I love reading back on my own. Yet I hear my more subtle friends voices in the back of my head saying that maybe I shouldn't. Maybe, it's healthier not to share your thoughts with the rest of the world. I dunno.

Anyways, this might be my new blog home. Welcome.

Wordless, full of words

I'm in a period of time right now where words seem to fail me. I could make that into something dramatic but truth to be told, I'm just lazy. And bored. I'm well and happy and all that. Just bored. I had an amazing trip to America. Amazing in the way that this time around, I didn't force myself into the parts of work I don't like so much. And I didn't tell myself I had to follow along in the group of people I travel with, even though that group was more fun and fabulous than ever before, just because it is convenient. I cut back on the shopping and spent the money on taxi to be able to hang out with people.

People... That's a weird thing. I hung out with people I hardly know, some of them I just met, but felt awfully at ease with. Again, back to the brokenness, happiness and the ability to connect, I guess. I love when I find myself with people who make me feel at ease enough to forget I don't really speak the language or forget that I have to be on top of things and show them how smart and together I am. Cause I think it is pretty established by now and no secret no more... I am not your together kind of person.

Anyways, home from The States I went to spend some quality time with one of the best people I know, non stop. Someone who has taught me probably more than anyone else this past year. The hard way sometimes, but still things so worth learning. It is a little calmer Josefine, a girl just a little more laid back facing the upcoming year in her life. And I like it. I like the lesson I'm still in the middle of - a lesson mainly saying; "sometimes you don't have to spell it all out, words can be left unsaid and still be true". It's one of the hardest ones in a long time. And I'm still debating it's raison d'être (yeah, I had to look that one up...) every once in a while and will continue to do so. Cause yes, there are limits to how few words you have to use as well... But I somewhat enjoy learning it.

It's just that... I'm so in love with words. I love it when I get all tangled into them and can't get out. I love hearing them from people close to me. I like writing them and reading them over and over. I like abusing them and find new meanings for them. And it is challenging to someone like me, to find myself feeling stupid cause I can't form what I wanna say in English, I can't use the words to paint with as I would in Swedish. And it's challenging when all I want is to express my feelings of love, friendship and contentment (or the opposite as well for that matter) through words, the best way of communicating that I've found, just to find that the target for my volubility has no real interest in my words per minute record, but in me. Me as in words or no words. (Gah... that is even scary to write... oh, I'm in trouble.. That's a whole different blog though, the one about self confidence and shit.)

But yeah. Words seem to fail me right now a little. Guess my brain is working on stuff and that the words are needed for that. Or, maybe we just grew tired of each other, the words and I. Maybe... I am just really truly bored.

On the other hand... This blog contains a little over 600 of them...

Me: I feel so happy right now.
Great teacher of silence: Yeah. When you have to say it, it really make sense.

Ha.

Jumps of love

Took a little trip around town to hug my family yesterday. Not that I'm gonna be gone for long, just that I realized I haven't seen them in a while and now it will be even longer. Found my two youngest nieces overly energized with millions of stories to tell me and in their attempts to get my attention they started jumping higher and higher, waving their arms and increasing the decibel level. I found myself stuck on the floor trying to grasp just a little of whatever was told but mainly just feeling a precious sense of being loved and longed for.
Left the house with an image stuck in my head of those girls parents joining in the jumping just for the fun of it and still haven't been able to shake that picture out of my head.

Love. I wonder if it is not most of the time easiest to explain just by a lot of jumping up and down.
I do know for sure though, that no matter what, love is easiest understood through the unconditional expressions of a child taking your place in their world totally for granted. Like you would exist for no other reason then to fulfill that child. And realizing that you don't mind if that is all you ever do. Ever.

I don't know why I know these things. But I do. :)

Gray Matters

How the heck...

... do people, myself included, keep all our relationships up and running? It just struck me today. It's so damn hard. Like most of the time. Ok, I'm totally over dramatic, but, I spent the weekend teaching leadership and management. And you teach all these little tips and ideas on how to maintain wise relationships to the people you lead and how to encourage and lift up people. And it just hit me... Should it be this hard? Why can't all people just simply understand and love each other?

I know people like that. People who are just loved by everyone, and everyone seems to be feeling loved in return. I, of course, also love those people, it kind of comes with the whole thing, that's what's disturbing. There's just so much to like that it becomes... uninteresting. I know this is a harsh thing to say... but loving almost becomes too easy and I lose interest. I need a challenge. Something to anchor my love in.

I'm in the middle of preparing for my trip to the States (also the reason why I'm blogging, too busy not to do something else). In researching articles and stuff I stumbled over the name of Jars of Clay's new label; Gray matters. I love that name. If you've known me for a while you know how I constantly come back to accusing the church of dividing life into black and whites. I think one of the biggest mistakes we do when it comes to young people is that we make them believe that this world can be divided into good and evil. And then, suddenly, we all realize that the world is actually a gray mess and the church has nothing to say about it.

I love hanging out with people who are accepting their gray little marshy ground called life. And not accepting it like giving up but accepting it as in wanting to build something real out of it. Something worth fighting for. People who make the gray matter. If I look around on the people I truly love or look up to, most of them have been through some real ordeals but they are building. And they are not building chessboards, they are building nice gray mushy things that will last. That I can drop anchor in. Me like.

Maybe then, if we accept that, relationships doesn't have to be so hard? Maybe the times when we do give up on each other, cause I truly think we're entitled to sometimes, is when we can't get out of our chess board way of looking at the other person. When someone is looking at me and trying to understand the good and the evil rather then the whole mess that in the end defines me.

Have no idea what the Jars boys were thinking in naming their label but they got me thinking long enough to avoid packing for another couple of minutes.

That ******* Jesus

When I was at the gym the other day (oh, how I love that I can start a sentence like that... I go to the gym... Like a lot) I ended up in a funny conversation with one of the PTs. We started talking about job and education and she told me she was a certified personal life coach and medium. Hm... that's and interesting combination. She wants to guide people in life through wisdom and a little help from the spirits on the other side. She asked me my education and when I told her it was theology her face looked both bewildered and curious. She said she wasn't a Christian herself but that she of course knew Jesus. And then there was some new glow in her eyes and she suddenly said;
"He's so fucking loving! I love him. He's like the person I wanna hang with the most. That Jesus. So fucking cool"
Couldn't help but smile. I cant remember when anyone talked about my savior in such passionate way. Or in such bad language... The thing that struck me was that she talked about him like she really knew him. Like really, really knew him. Like they spend a lot of time together. Actually, she sounded more close to him than people would say me to be in talking about him. And, I don't know... It just struck a chord in me. She says she's not a Christian, yet she seems to have this very personal relationship with Christ. I guess the whole medium thing kind of has something to do with it in some unexplainable way but... Two questions: How come she loves Jesus but doesn't seem interested in Christianity, what experiences with church did she have that made her turn to new age instead and how can I help? And, secondly, how do I speak about my Jesus? About that brilliantly, loving revolutionary? About my best friend, my savior? My Jesus, That f**** Jesus...